It is OK to ask for help

You lost your baby; you will never be the person you were before (and you shouldn't have to be).  You will have a different outlook on life with a greater appreciation for "the small things". Discovering the "new you" will be a daunting journey with many hurdles along the way such as: maintaining/severing old friendships, building new friendships, focusing on every day tasks and work, caring for living children, maintaining a relationship with your partner, finding support groups, and/or recognizing signs of depression.

It is okay to feel sad, angry, lost, despair, confused, hurt, jealous, and every emotion in-between. Although, it is very important to recognize signs and symptoms of depression.  Now is the time to stand up for yourself.  Like you advocated for your sweet baby, now you need to advocate for yourself.  You deserve to feel happiness again (yes, this IS possible).

Not only are you suffering from the unimaginable loss of your baby and may be at risk for depression, you are also coping with post-partum hormones.  It is important to understand what depression is and what symptoms may be.

So, what is depression? According to the Mayo Clinic, "Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest... it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems.  You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living."

Symptoms of depression may include:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness.
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities.
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much.
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort.
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain.
• Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness.
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt.
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things.
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide.

*IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, PLEASE CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY * 

The National suicide prevention line provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, and prevention and crisis resources for you or loved ones, 1-800-273-8255, https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ .

It is OK to ask for help, whether it be through support groups, therapy, or anti-depressants. What are possible next steps?  You have many resources available to consider and research!

• Support groups - Connecting yourself with women (or partners) who understand and relate to your grief is key.  You may even experience a conflicting sense of "excitement" to be among people who get you, who have been there.  The tricky part can be finding the right group in your season.  You may find yourself in a group  of woman who are years into their grief journey of loss, woman who are now onto pregnancy after loss (PALS), women struggling with infertility, and/or women who have experienced miscarriage(s).  It is ok to try a group and not go back if it is not the right fit in your season.  It can be frustrating, but please do not give up on finding the right fit.  You can often find lists of support groups from your area hospitals, churches, non-profits, or even googling "infant loss support groups in (insert your state)".  

• Therapy - Some may feel a therapist has no emotional investment in you and it is "their job" to listen.  Having someone that you do not see daily, that is unbiased,  is seeking the same goal of resolution (healing from trauma) as you, and having someone that you can cry to, is SO good for your soul.  Similar to support groups, finding the right therapist can be quite the challenging task and can sometimes feel defeating.  I encourage you to take time time to research, Google, or cold call behavioral health clinics to find recommendations on therapists that specialize in infant loss.  While therapists do have the knowledge and skill of general bereavement, the trauma of losing a baby is different that general grief.  

You may want to research therapists/clinicians that are certified in the following (I have personally done ART and I cannot tell you enough how this has greatly improved my mental health and way of thinking):

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) - The EMDR Institute, Inc, founded by Francine Shaprio, PhD, explains EMDR is an individual therapy that focuses on processing of traumatic memories and other adverse life experience to bring these to an adaptive resolution.  

"EMDR therapy is an eight-phase treatment.  Eye movements (or other bilateral stimulation) are used during one part of the session.  After the clinician has determined which memory to target first, he asks the client to hold different aspects of that event or thought in mind and to use his eyes to track the therapist’s hand as it moves back and forth across the client’s field of vision.   As this happens, for reasons believed by a Harvard researcher to be connected with the biological mechanisms involved in Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep, internal associations arise and the clients begin to process the memory and disturbing feelings. In successful EMDR therapy, the meaning of painful events is transformed on an emotional level... Unlike talk therapy, the insights clients gain in EMDR therapy result not so much from clinician interpretation, but from the client’s own accelerated intellectual and emotional processes.  The net effect is that clients conclude EMDR therapy feeling empowered by the very experiences that once debased them.  Their wounds have not just closed, they have transformed. As a natural outcome of the EMDR therapeutic process, the clients’ thoughts, feelings and behavior are all robust indicators of emotional health and resolution—all without speaking in detail or doing homework used in other therapies."

EMDR therapy involves attention to three time periods:  the past, present, and future.  Focus is given to past disturbing memories and related events.  Results *may be achieved in therapy sessions 1-2 times a week and in 6-12 sessions.

Phase 1: History taking.

Pase 2: Preparing the client.

Phase 3-6: Processing the memory to adaptive resolution.

Phase 7: Closure - keeping a log.

Phase 8: Examining the progress.

Click here for an interview of EMDR with founder Francine Shaprio.

To find a clinician in your area that is certified in EMDR click here.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) -  Laney Rosenzwieg, MS LMFT, founder and developer of ART, incorporates a combination of techniques used in many other traditional psychotherapies such Exposure Therapy, Gestalt Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), EMDR, Imagery Re-scripting, Guided Imagery, and Brief Psychodynamic Therapy.  Similar to EMDR, a client receiving ART will use their eyes to track the therapist's hand as it moves back and forth across the client's field of vision.  According to Good Therapy, the following aspects of ART make it unique:

Specific and Efficient: The methods applied in ART have been shown to produce a faster recovery. Accelerated resolution therapy is designed to be delivered in one to five sessions, each around 60 to 75 minutes long, over the course of a 2-week period. Research has indicated that many people experience positive results within this time frame. The techniques incorporated during sessions are structured to provide quick relief of symptoms as they arise. 

Directive and Interactive:  The therapist works to reduce any physiological distress accompanying traumatic memories by instructing the person to pause the recall processing. Individuals are encouraged to develop solutions to their traumatic experience during interactive portions of ART. As a memory is recalled, the therapist helps them shift the memory to something more positive, often by employing imagery rescripting.  

Voluntary Memory Replacement:  ART helps people change feelings associated with traumatic memories, but not the facts. In ART, this type of image rescripting is called voluntary memory/image replacement. Individuals in therapy are encouraged to replace the traumatic memory with a more positive one of their own imagining. They may recall the details of the trauma but no longer feel the same physical, emotional, or visceral response. 

Click here for a video of ART explained by founder Laney Rosenzweig.

To find a clinician in your area that is certified in ART click here.

• Anti-depressants - Sometimes, you need some extra help to manage depression while you seek additional help.  The combination of medication with therapy may be what you need in this season.  Talk with your medical provider about what anti-depressant may be the best fit.  It is important to remember that anti-depressants do not work immediately and take time to build up in your system before you may notice a difference.  In addition, it may take a few tries with different brands to find the right fit with your genetic makeup. 

There are cheek swab tests that analyze how your genetics may affect your response to psychotropic medications.  I personally used www.genesight.com (administered by my medical provider) and received a list of anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medications that were categorized as "use as directed" (green category), "moderate gene-drug interaction" (yellow category), and "significant gene-drug interaction" (red category).  With this information, I discovered that the initial anti-depressant I was taking was in the yellow category and was able to switch to an anti-depressant in the green category.  Please note, even though a medication is listed in the green category, it does not guarantee it will work for you (I had to try two different anti-depressants in my green category before I found the right fit).