Surviving the "firsts" and creating a legacy

No two people grieve the same, but I am confident to say, you have been watching the clock and counting the time.  The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and even years that pass as you learn to live with a part of your heart missing.  I remember laying in bed every night while watching the news and my eyes would just stay on the clock and then my heart broke all over again at 9:17 p.m. for when Abigail was born.  Tears of memories would silently fall from my eyes as I replay each scene, each wrinkle, and the three individual soft cries.  I would lay awake in bed and wait for 12:27 a.m. to appear and for another wave of heartbreak to consume me.

Days pass and exhaustion sets in.  You still watch the clock, but maybe not as intently.  Now you are onto counting the weeks.  Watching the calendar, wondering how the world around you can keep moving while yours has stopped.  Two weeks, this is impossible, unbearable.  Then it really hits, one month...when you should be sharing the adorable obligatory milestone photo of your baby with their likes and dislikes.  Another level of grief sets in as these milestones without your baby continue.

Holidays.  As if counting the minutes, weeks, and months weren't torturous enough, we have to survive holidays.  Chances are, you have no interest in it, even if your favorite holiday is approaching.  It's too painful, you want to sit with your grief, you can't possibly force another fake smile for a "broken" family picture.  The holidays and months continue to approach and pass.

Anxiety increases, the one year mark is approaching.  How are you going to survive this milestone?  How have you lived for 365 days without your baby, your heart, your life?  The thought of trying to figure out how to honor your baby is breaking you all over again.  The progress you thought you have made in your grief journey feels like it has been reset to square one.  

Honestly, it doesn't get any easier no matter what point we are at in our grief journey, we just learn to live with it in a new way, but something happens along the way.  After the year mark, you may notice a new growth and depth in your grief.  You're no longer watching the clock, counting the weeks, or even months; rather, it has turned into counting years and how you can continue to honor their legacy.  The pain doesn't ever go away, it simply changes.

You will have days where happiness consumes you.  You can honestly go part of the day, a whole day, or maybe even a week where you are truly happy.  Days where you see a rainbow, a butterfly, read a book, or hear a song and you have a smile,  yet tears fall down your face...but you "recover" from that moment and you can still find joy.  Days where the waves of grief are so strong, that you don't want to get out of bed, and no matter how hard you try, the tears don't stop.  Embrace every moment, every tear, every feeling; these are yours and if you don't let the feelings out, it will be a lot harder to handle.

In our grief journey with Abigail, it has been my mission to have her presence and legacy be known, even if it is just for our immediate family.  We include Abigail's ash heart in family photos, we celebrate her birthday, and still have her participate in family traditions...it just looks a little different than anything I could have ever imagined.  While I am still filled with tears and sadness navigating life without her, knowing that Abigail's legacy is a blessing to others brings me so much joy and peace.

Below, you will see examples of how our family includes Abigail in holidays, celebrations, and significant events.  You could use a picture of your baby, a stuffed animal, a special necklace, or any other memento that represents the presence of your baby.  It does not have to be a large statement, as long as your heart is full including your baby, that is all that matters.