Who has the right to know about the prenatal diagnosis?

Around 11 weeks, Brian and I had a fun pregnancy announcement using pumpkins to tell our immediate family and close friends that our family was growing!   I carefully picked out all of the pumpkins, straw bales, mums, and created a framed sign to decorate our front porch perfectly. This was a week before we found out our world would be turned upside down.  What do we do now? How do we tell people that the baby that is growing inside me just received a life-limiting prognosis at 12 weeks?  Do we even tell them?  What does this mean for announcing our pregnancy on social media to the rest of our friends? How do I answer questions to strangers that comment on my ever-growing belly?  What about work?

Everyone processes information differently and has a different coping mechanism for protecting their heart and mental health when they receive a prenatal (prognosis) diagnosis.  For some, this means sharing the pregnancy, diagnosis, and medical appointments openly with family, friends, and social media.  A blog or social media page may be created to provide all updates on the baby, answer questions from others, share thoughts/prayers, pictures, and milestones.  Open communication to family and friends gives comfort knowing a large group of supporters are rallying for the life inside you.  Blogging your feelings is the perfect outlet for telling the world exactly how you feel and sharing relatable quotes or scripture to fill the thoughts you simply cannot explain. 

On the other hand, some may feel that sharing details about the pregnancy is too painful (this was me).  Together, Brian and I made the decision we would not openly share about our pregnancy or prenatal diagnosis outside of our immediate family, close friends, and work (aside from private Facebook support groups for Trisomy 18).  We did not have a special pregnancy announcement on social media, a blog, or a gender reveal.  It was simply too much for my mental health to have to face the world and tell them my baby would likely die.  After major appointments (anatomy, amniocentesis, echocardiogram, growth) we would write an update and send it by email to about 20 people.  For work, we each drafted one email informing them of the pregnancy and of the diagnosis.  

For my work, I provided a brief, yet informational email on Abigail's diagnosis with a definition of Trisomy 18.  I explained that this journey will be tough and there may be times I cry at my desk and requested privacy in those moments.  Setting these expectations allowed for me to grieve as the moments presented and provided my co-workers with the tools on how to act/react around me when emotions were unpredictable. 

What about strangers?  Pregnancy is such a public affair and many people, although well-intended, feel they have a right to comment on it or ask questions.  What information do we share with them?  Do we tell them our baby may die?  This goes with your comfort level on sharing information and how you are feeling that day.  Some choose to openly share about the diagnosis and use this as an opportunity to educate others.  I chose not to inform or educate strangers of Abigail's diagnosis because it would have been too much for me to handle emotionally and more often than not, I would end up in a puddle of tears.  Typically, I would briefly entertain the conversation with generic information but end it quickly and look for an escape route.  

The emotions that come with carrying a baby with a life-limiting prenatal diagnosis are forever changing.  One moment, you want to scream from the mountain tops and other moments you want to hide from the world.  What is most import is your mental health and how you are able to receive the support you need during your pregnancy.  If sharing openly and being transparent about the prenatal diagnosis and pregnancy is beneficial to your mental health, absolutely shout it from the mountain tops!  If it is too much for you to handle emotionally and mentally, it is perfectly fine to go through your pregnancy privately.  If you choose not to share about your pregnancy, I encourage you to ensure you have additional support from pastors, therapists, or other loss moms, as going through this alone can cause additional stress and mental health issues.  You can find out more information regarding mental health here.